Wednesday, February 08, 2006

My ramblings....hmm...i think i need therapy

Ok, folks, here it update. well, of sorts. often times i think of things i want to write here on my blog. funny things that happen to me during the day, deep thoughts i have, rantings, ravings, ventings, poems, dreams, etc. but the problem is, often times the inspiration comes when i am not at a computer or i don't have time to write it all out. for this fact, i am sure you are greatful, because if i was able to write every time i had an idea of something to write on here, there would be loads more crap for you to have to read. haha! usually, i forget about what i wanted to write or i don't have time or i don't have energy or all three. anyway, i guess i will try to better....or not. we'll see. lol. it is good for me to write stuff out though, it helps me to process. however, recently there have been things going on that i have been processing a great deal too much and quite honestly, some very personal stuff that i don't want the world knowing.

*wow...i've gone off on quite a tangent. welp, summat set me off and uncorked this lovely diatribe, so, buckle up and hang on for the ride!*

ugh!!! man, sometimes i feel like i've just about HAD it! am i so rebelious?? but sometimes i get sick of people telling me what to do. i know that i am bossy. so i guess i shouldn't complain when people boss me. (and no, i am not talking about a work situation) sometimes i feel in my life that i have always tried to please everyone else. make them happy, make them like me, make them understand, make them comfortable, don't rock the boat. doing want others want and not what i want. it is so hard for me to express how i feel sometimes. it is hard for me especially when it goes against what someone else wants. i know i can't blame other people for how i am. it is hard for me to confront and be confronted at times. yet i want people to be able to come to me if they have some issue or problem...or if i do. hahaha! i know what i want, or at least i think i do, but what if i am wrong? what if it isn't what i want? what if i am wanting the wrong thing? i am so afraid. afraid of pissing people off, afraid of disappointing people, afraid of what others think...not all others, but the ones whose opinion i care about, afraid of making a mistake, afraid of disappointing God & pissing Him off. Afraid of ruining my life. Afraid. Afraid. Afraid. I'm sick of it, yet feel powerless to do anything about it. These roots go down deep. so many things about me need to change. sometimes i think about it and it feels like this huge weight, this overwhelming sensation of a mountain before me that looms....getting taller and taller and taller get my meaning.

it reminds me of a time in morocco. hiking in the atlas mountains. we were going to a village about a short day's hike away. it wasn't super hard most of the time. until we got on this one path. it was narrow. and grew increasingly steeper. we had to stop quite often. i didn't want to go on, neither did a couple others. but we couldn't go back. and we couldn't just sit there forever. we HAD to keep going. up the mountain. i remember the guys would actually push us girls up the path. it sounds strange, but it helped. with them pushing, it made it easier. we made it up to the summit of sorts and down below, we could see the village. we finally made it.

i can't go back and i can't stay here forever. i have to go up the mountain.


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