Tired isn't the right word...more like...Exhausted

So, yeah, I'm supposed to have been collecting my thoughts, figuring out where to begin and writing something meaningful and insightful. You know...reflecting on the various goings-on of life these years and the crap that has gone down, how that crap has impacted my view of God, ministry, the world, the church, myself, etc. etc. There are so many reflections I'd like to make and hopefully will make, but I find that one overwhelming theme of the past two or so years has been that I am tired. My soul is weary. And something I've learned is that weariness of the soul is not remedied by time alone. Time can help, don't get me wrong, but it certainly does not and can not heal all wounds. Actually, time itself can do it's fair share of damage. Yet, it can also bring perspective, which is a very good thing. My point is, though, that being weary and wounded doesn't just go away. It takes rest and healing. (Yes, I know, one of my spiritual gifts is stating the obvious) :-p Yet even though that is so obvious, I think that the path that leads to this rest and healing can often be obscure. Or maybe difficult is the word. One of the reasons it is difficult is that if we want to deal with our pain, we have to face our pain...which, duh, turns out to be painful! How much does that suck?! Haha!!! At some level, if we are going to heal, its gonna hurt. Super. I know this isn't rocket science, but it helps me to process.

All of this talk of weariness and wounds and rest and healing reminds me of just how good Good Friday is. Really though, back on that day, things didn't look so good. Falsely accused, betrayed by a friend, abandoned by those closest to him, beaten, mocked, sentenced to death, nailed to a cross, forsaken by God. Hmmm...I'd have to admit...even my worst day has never come close to that. I'm not being flippant. Seriously, how was that a good day? Forsaken, people. By God. As in, "where the hell were you????" And "why did you do this to me???" Depths of suffering and sacrifice I will NEVER know. Something I just now realized that I had never really thought of before is how Jesus never sinned. Ok, yes, I knew that, but in light of the cross and the fact that even when he cried out and asked God why He had forsaken him, he didn't sin. One, that his experience of forsaken-ness wasn't sin, two that his questioning wasn't sin and three that he didn't become angry with God. Um, what? Hanging bloody on a cross, barely recognizable as a man, the very presence of God torn from him at the moment of his greatest need and Jesus does not sin. Another reason I am drawn to Christ. My words and my sentiments fall flat. To say that Jesus is great, amazing, wonderful. These words are meaningless when compared to him. I am so opposite to all he is and perhaps that is why I am so attracted to him. To his life. To his death. To his resurrection.

Isaiah 53
Who has believed our report?
And to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
For He shall grow up before Him as a tender plant,
And as a root out of dry ground.
He has no form or comeliness;
And when we see Him,
There is no beauty that we should desire Him.
He is despised and rejected by men,
A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.
And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him;
He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.
Surely He has borne our griefs
And carried our sorrows;
Yet we esteemed Him stricken,
Smitten by God, and afflicted.
But He was wounded for our transgressions,
He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him,
And by His stripes we are healed.
All we like sheep have gone astray;
We have turned, every one, to his own way;
And the LORD has laid on Him the iniquity of us all.
He was oppressed and He was afflicted,
Yet He opened not His mouth;
He was led as a lamb to the slaughter,
And as a sheep before its shearers is silent,
So He opened not His mouth.
He was taken from prison and from judgment,
And who will declare His generation?
For He was cut off from the land of the living;
For the transgressions of My people He was stricken.
And they made His grave with the wicked—
But with the rich at His death,
Because He had done no violence,
Nor was any deceit in His mouth.
Yet it pleased the LORD to bruise Him;
He has put Him to grief.
When You make His soul an offering for sin,
He shall see His seed, He shall prolong His days,
And the pleasure of the LORD shall prosper in His hand.
He shall see the labor of His soul, and be satisfied.
By His knowledge My righteous Servant shall justify many,
For He shall bear their iniquities.
Therefore I will divide Him a portion with the great,
And He shall divide the spoil with the strong,
Because He poured out His soul unto death,
And He was numbered with the transgressors,
And He bore the sin of many,
And made intercession for the transgressors.