Here lil fishy, fishy....

Laughter....thanks for the medicine

today has been pretty good. a few bumps in the road, but nothing that didn't get sorted with a bit of laughter. after my expression of frustration!! haha! i am learning...hopefully...that i need to have some better boundaries in my life...to say "no" to people. or at least say, yes i can help you for an hour...not my whole day. cuz when i do that i get frustrated and want to jam a fork in someone's head. ok...so it is a plastic fork...calm down. sheesh!

lemme see...oh..yes...i read this amazingly beautiful poem today. my friend wrote it...i will have to put it on here. it is breathtaking...really. yet, even in that, it made me somehow feel like a piece of garbage (well, the poem didn't, my inability or rather ability of a third-grader to write). i felt like i could never write something like that....that what i write is absolute shite without the "e". :)) it was really bringing me down. but then i remembered how stupid it is to compare ourselves with each other. i am who i am. i'm not someone else, so why should i want to try to be? plus, i may have something in me yet. so, don't worry, i'm good. still need to work on some things, but i don't see myself as a piece of garbage....at least, not at the moment. hahaha!!!

love and laughter to you all!!!!

Searching for God knows what

Ok, so the title of this post is also the title of a book that I am currently reading by Donald Miller (author of Blue Like Jazz). Although I have only read the first six chapters of the book, it is one that I highly recommend. It is one of those books where you find yourself nodding in agreement as you read the text. Like the author is expressing something that you have felt for quite a long time but didn't know what it was you wanted to say or just how to say it. Miller is funny, poignant and honest.

This is SO me!! hahahaha!!!

Don't worry folks

I'm not looking for boxes and won't be surfing the net for cheap airfares to tropical islands. I know that this is where I am supposed to be. :D

Nobody said it would be easy. No one said it would be so hard.

There are moments when I want to quit. Pack up and go home. This is one of them. *lets the moment pass*

"I'm just gonna pray real hard and hope that tomorrow comes quickly."

"my happiness is found in less of me and more of You. And I have found the answer is to love You and be loved by You alone"

all i have is questions
the answers elude me now
no one can help me
because no one can be here with me
inside my head
knowing my heart
my pain
my fear
my loneliness
not even my joy or happiness
like a broken toy
left behind
i cannot mend myself
every song i hear brings me pain
even in joy i have sorrow
because the One whom i love
i don't understand
though He understands me
and wants to love me
and heal the hurt
make me laugh again
and dance with Him
so i'll let Him love me
and heal me
and dance again with me

My ramblings....hmm...i think i need therapy

Ok, folks, here it is....an update. well, of sorts. often times i think of things i want to write here on my blog. funny things that happen to me during the day, deep thoughts i have, rantings, ravings, ventings, poems, dreams, etc. but the problem is, often times the inspiration comes when i am not at a computer or i don't have time to write it all out. for this fact, i am sure you are greatful, because if i was able to write every time i had an idea of something to write on here, there would be loads more crap for you to have to read. haha! usually, i forget about what i wanted to write or i don't have time or i don't have energy or all three. anyway, i guess i will try to better....or not. we'll see. lol. it is good for me to write stuff out though, it helps me to process. however, recently there have been things going on that i have been processing a great deal too much and quite honestly, some very personal stuff that i don't want the world knowing.

*wow...i've gone off on quite a tangent. welp, summat set me off and uncorked this lovely diatribe, so, buckle up and hang on for the ride!*

ugh!!! man, sometimes i feel like i've just about HAD it! am i so rebelious?? but sometimes i get sick of people telling me what to do. i know that i am bossy. so i guess i shouldn't complain when people boss me. (and no, i am not talking about a work situation) sometimes i feel in my life that i have always tried to please everyone else. make them happy, make them like me, make them understand, make them comfortable, don't rock the boat. doing want others want and not what i want. it is so hard for me to express how i feel sometimes. it is hard for me especially when it goes against what someone else wants. i know i can't blame other people for how i am. it is hard for me to confront and be confronted at times. yet i want people to be able to come to me if they have some issue or problem...or if i do. hahaha! i know what i want, or at least i think i do, but what if i am wrong? what if it isn't what i want? what if i am wanting the wrong thing? i am so afraid. afraid of pissing people off, afraid of disappointing people, afraid of what others think...not all others, but the ones whose opinion i care about, afraid of making a mistake, afraid of disappointing God & pissing Him off. Afraid of ruining my life. Afraid. Afraid. Afraid. I'm sick of it, yet feel powerless to do anything about it. These roots go down deep. so many things about me need to change. sometimes i think about it and it feels like this huge weight, this overwhelming sensation of a mountain before me that looms....getting taller and taller and taller and...ok....you get my meaning.

it reminds me of a time in morocco. hiking in the atlas mountains. we were going to a village about a short day's hike away. it wasn't super hard most of the time. until we got on this one path. it was narrow. and grew increasingly steeper. we had to stop quite often. i didn't want to go on, neither did a couple others. but we couldn't go back. and we couldn't just sit there forever. we HAD to keep going. up the mountain. i remember the guys would actually push us girls up the path. it sounds strange, but it helped. with them pushing, it made it easier. we made it up to the summit of sorts and down below, we could see the village. we finally made it.

i can't go back and i can't stay here forever. i have to go up the mountain.